How I'm learning to embrace the grey areas of life

Throughout my life, I've been pretty binary in my view of the world. You're either all in or out. You're right or you're wrong. You're good or you're bad. You're with me or you're against me.

I never thought of this as a problem. I believe I have a strong set of moral convictions and I was very happy to let this guide my thoughts and behaviours.

For the most part, this has served me well. But what I didn't appreciate at all until my mental health really deteriorated was the cumulative effect that such a black and white view of life had on me.

It made it impossible to empathise with others effectively. Don't get me wrong. In general I think I'm a pretty empathetic person. I'm more likely to put the feelings and needs of others ahead of my own, in fact.

No. What I mean is that there were frequently situations in which I would come up against people with a polar opposite character, and I could only see the bad in it because they had a different view to me. Their behaviour was something to be tolerated at best. A necessary evil.

And that doesn't make for a positive interaction, or the foundations of new friendships. It really doesn't. In fact, it had become isolating. I'd batten down the hatches, stick to what I knew and, critically, become increasingly resistant to change.

Whether it was born out of low self-esteem, compounding it or a bit of both I don't know. But I do understand that I was judging others at times by the same impossibly high standard I judged myself by, and that was never going to end happily.

It took a just a few sessions with my psychotherapist to start to understand the negative impact it was having on me.

I can't remember exactly the context of the conversation that resulted in my lightbulb moment on this, but I do remember we were talking about things that were coming up in the future at work that gave me cause for concern.

My therapist encouraged me to talk about what I felt I needed to do about it, what I was absolutely convinced I had to do to get to a point where I would make other people involved pleased or happy.

Typically, following this path would result in me throwing in more thought, time and effort in, all things that would make me feel I'd given everything to the task at hand. In my mind, throwing everything was what mattered. That showed I cared. Heart on sleeve, stuff. All or nothing.

And at the expense of time spent living my life, enjoying time with family and friends, running, reading, etc.

Then my therapist stopped me in my tracks by asking me what the worst thing that could happen was if I didn't follow the course of action I felt compelled to.

It's a killer question if you think about it, and that's exactly what I did.

I listed off how it would make others feel, how it might disappoint or annoy them that things hadn't been done as well as they could have been, with my line manager at the time's operating principal of, "good enough isn't good enough" very much front of mind.

When I'd finished, my therapist asked me what it would mean for me. It was at this point that the lightbulb went on. It was a game changer. Someone was telling me to prioritise what I needed rather than what I thought others needed.

At first, I struggled to answer. I wasn't important enough to be the person benefiting from decisions like this. For the first time in my life, I came to see how prioritising what I needed rather than putting that at the bottom of the list could be a hugely, powerful change, and one that was entirely with in my control to do so if I was prepared to do so.

Sure, I'd have to adapt the way I interacted with others. I would have to stick to my guns too, something which is so hard for a person with low self-esteem to maintain. But I could see a different way of approaching it could transform the way I felt about myself.

But there was a far greater point that I started to appreciate. I realised that there was more to life than doing it this way or that. That there was this huge spectrum of how, different ways of thinking, and that I had been operating at the extreme ends of it without seeing the variety that was right in front of me.

I'd been thinking in black and white, while a meaningful life was in the grey area and it was passing me by. All of the contentedness, all the progress that I needed to make to achieve it, was there, and now I could see it.

What difference has that made? A lot. It's helped me stress test work-life balance ideas I've had. It's resulted in me saying 'why not?' to more things instead of 'no thanks' because I'm breaking free of a binary view of the world. I've read more, explored more, made new friends, built deeper connections with existing friends and felt more connected than I ever have done before.

It's a major shift in perspective and I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you that I've nailed it or that I ever think I will. But I guess that's the point. I realise now that it's not about acing it definitively, it's about being willing to give it a go, to operate more freely in uncertain circumstances and to see where it takes me.

So here's to whatever it brings. Cheers.