Nothing exceptional: The mental health slow burn

When I first decided to write about my mental health challenges over recent years, it was after much characteristic deliberation.

Did I want to do it? Yes. I think it's really important that more people - especially men - learn to talk about what is worrying them. I feel passionately about that.

Did I think anyone would read it? Absolutely not. I have nothing new to say and I'm no expert with answers to give.

When I did start to talk about my experiences, though, a staggering thing happened. I was overwhelmed by the positive support I received when I posted this piece on LinkedIn.

People I knew were so kind. People I didn't know saw it and told me how much it helped them. I started to receive private messages from people who were sharing their own experiences.

By a country mile, most of these came from men. Men around the same age as me. Men who had been through, were experiencing or had now come to realise that they were following a similar path.

On the one hand I was pleased that writing the article had been helpful for them, but on the other it made me realise just how much talking and sharing we don't do unless someone else breaks cover first. And that's why I've decided to start this blog.

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Something I wasn't prepared for at the outset was how long it takes. While mental health issues can come to the surface because of a particular catalyst - in my case it was work-related stress - handling them is not as straightforward as I thought. And that was despite plenty of support.

I went into dealing with it with an unusually can-do attitude. I talked openly to friends and family. I had time away from my job. I had counselling and CBT support for months. I began taking anti-depressants (and two years later I am still taking them).

After attempting to stay on track after returning to my work, a year ago this month I decided the right thing to do was leave that job entirely. I had no plan about what I wanted to happen next.

I've been working as a freelance consultant since January. In honesty, there have been some great positive outcomes of this - work-life balance being chief among them - but the reality is that the dips, the lulls, the low moods continue to rear their head.

I started to see a counsellor again in April/May time. That has helped to an extent, but I now appreciate that the route cause of my own challenge is self-esteem. And that it's going to be with me forever. Because the mind is an arse.

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I accept this. While I would dearly love to not be weighed down by it, I am. I don't wish I was someone else. I have a lot of great things in my life that I am grateful for, but still the state of mind comes back to dog me.

So when it comes to my personal experience, I'm focused on two things:

1. Learning to manage it more effectively. Everyday is a school day. Sometimes I'm learning the same lesson again and again. Other times there are small wins that show me a chink of light at the end of and otherwise dark tunnel. I can see these sometimes, and I can draw strength from them.

2. Encouraging others to talk about these things - whether in private or in public matters. If it helps one other person through a tough time, even for a brief moment, it's worth doing.

I'm going to start using this blog to help achieve both of these things.

I'm going to write about how I feel and, as much as I can work it out, why. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I'm not going to pretend that I've come through the other side and everything is now great. I'm going to talk about highs and lows, because that's life. I'm not planning to do anything exceptional. I'm just going to open up.

I'm no expert on mental health, but that's not the point. The point is to help others realise there are people they can turn to, things they can do to take control of how they feel and be better off as a result. Some of these things will work out, some of them won't.

We all just need to keep on trying.

I hope it helps.